How To Know A Meguire, Part II

I said on Monday that "you can't say you know me well unless you're aware of three things." Not that you need the reminder, but the first thing you have to be aware of is that sometimes I freak.

The second thing you have to be aware of is that I often confuse uncommon phrases, names, and words as common phrases, names, and words. For example, in normal conversation I may throw in the saying, "he didn't know his ass from his elbow" thinking that this is a phrase everyone uses.

Turns out that is a phrase I grew up with (thanks to my dad). Most people have never heard it and often find it funny that I use the phrase freely without any explanation.

Another example would be when I used the phrase, "I wouldn't follow him into a flower field." I was talking to Carly and we were discussing a mutual acquaintance, saying how he seems very nice and innocent, but that we really didn’t think he was.

My point in saying, "I wouldn't follow him into a flower field" was that I wouldn't follow him even if it were to a completely harmless place. And what could be more harmless than a flower field? And while I'm sure there is a common phrase for conveying that message, I prefer to make up my own and then pass it off as commonplace understanding.

And finally, you can't say you know me unless you are aware that my tonsils swell to the size of golf balls anytime I get sick. Seriously.

Two golf balls in the back of my throat. My closest friends can hear it in my voice and see it in my swallow. It's disgusting.

Last year I had strep throat four times (not to mention the other two trips to the doctor for swollen tonsils that turned out NOT to be strep). According to my doctor, I need to have strep five or six times before we consider taking my tonsils out. We had this discussion in December.

When I went into his office last week, he decided it was time to refer me to an Infectious Diseases Specialist… telling me I win the award for the most disgusting throat he's seen.

Well thank you, sir. That reminds me of the time I had mono freshman year of college and scared the nurse out of the room because she was afraid to swab my throat. When the doctor came in, she told me, in my feverish state, that I had scared her nurse half to death.

And she only had to LOOK at them.

Try having them in the back of your throat and trying to pass food by them. It's like sandpaper on an open wound.

YUM.

So I call the office my doctor referred me to and I say this:

"Hi there. My doctor referred me to Dr. Myint's office and I need to set up a consultation appointment."

The receptionist then says, "Um. Okay. Hold on a minute. What is this regarding?"

And I say, "A possible tonsils removal."

The receptionist: "Woah. Well wait a minute. I mean, do you even have an infectious disease???" (And yes, she said it as if there were three question marks on the end of her sentence.)

And after taking the phone away from my ear and looking at it like it had just given a Wet Willie, I say, " Well, obbbviously I have an infectious disease."

And then I thought about adding, "Plus I thought it might be fun to come talk to someone about slicing up my golf-ball-sized tonsils and missing a week of work because of it."

But I didn't.

So then the receptionist realizes that maybe she's been a little out of line and we talk about booking an appointment. She finds the next opening and we get down to the personal details so she can book me.

"When is your birthday?" she asks.

"August 16, 1985."

"Awwww, giiiiirl. I should have known you was a Leo. Shoooot! All that attitude you were throwing at me. I got it too, girl. Mmm hmm. You know I got it. I'm a Leo too."

And I assume she's referring to my "Obbbviously…" comment.

By the time we hung up the phone we were fast friends. I look forward to meeting her on February 25 when I go see Dr. Myint to discuss the removal of my golf balls. I hope he has fresh breath.