The Walgreen's Adventure

There are three things I'd like to discuss today:

1. Flatulence
2. Flatulence in the card aisle at Walgreen's
3. The card aisle at Walgreen's

First, why oh why is there a "polite" term for an act that can never be done politely? Let's consider some other terms for flatulence: fart, rip ass, poot, cheese, break wind. These words are quick, abrasive, forceful... much like the act itself now that I think about it. To say that you're experiencing bad "flatulence" is like trying to put a flower on top of dog poop -- you're not covering anything up.

Second, I had about 20 minutes to kill before a presentation last night so I stopped in Walgreen's. I never actually got a birthday card for the Muchacho and we're celebrating next weekend, so I though I'd check out the card aisle. I'm standing there, rummaging through the endless, poorly written, funny-but-not-really-funny cards when all of a sudden I hear something that resembles the low growl of a bull frog - if bull frogs could growl. I pause, staring blankly with raised eyebrows at the card wall in front of me, and slowly turn my head to see some Grandma about five feet away leaning on her walker, reading cards, r i p p i n g a s s.

Seriously, you guys, I have NEVER heard farts like this before. And that is saying A LOT coming from me.

It's not that they were terribly loud... they were actually quite understated... but they sounded like a low growl... except more bubbly. Words can't describe.

Once I figured out there was not, in fact, a growling bull frog at my feet, I turned and walked down the length of the card aisle as to avoid walking through the fart. Please don't think I judged this woman - I'm actually quite envious of her. When will I reach a point in my life when I can just blow ass in public and not have a care in the world if anyone hears me? Still... I'd rather not walk through her gas cloud.

Moving on.

Finally, I'd like to discuss the "greeting card" industry. And by "greeting card" I mean any kind of card, even blank ones. Birthday. Anniversary. Mother's Day. Thank you. Condolences. Anything.

I was raised with the standard that a hand written note (whether it be to say, "thank you" or "happy birthday" or "congratulations") is an absolute necessity in important relationships. If you care about someone, you best be sending them a note every so often.

And while I usually spend a solid five to ten minutes in the card aisle before I find The Good One, it's been a while since I've had to buy a "honey" card.

And can I just say, the selection of "honey" cards sucks. I wish I could meet someone who writes for these cards and ask them what the hell they are thinking when they start a sentence like, "Someone as special as you deserves a little something special from me..."

You know what I'm thinking when I read that? I'm thinking about Justin Timberlake's "Dick in a Box" song.

They have to be joking.

Now before you all tell me I'm a cold hearted cynic, let me say that a candid expression of how you feel about someone can be wonderful. Everyone wants to be loved, right? I mean, I'm the girl that still has a tattered business card on my fridge: I was a freshman in college and my dad was probably sending me a New York Times article. He wrote, "I love you and think of you often. Love, Dad" on the back of his business card and put it in the envelope. I don't remember what article he sent me, but that business card note has been on my fridge for six years.

It's those kind of notes that make your heart so big it might bump out of your chest. I can't say the cards at Walgreen's have the same effect. Needless to say, I'm still looking for a viable birthday card.

In sum, I have three main points:

1. Flatulence is an unnecessary word in English vocabulary.
2. It's quite acceptable for older folks to fart in public.
3. Walgreen's has a terrible selection of "honey" cards. I'm not incapable of expressing my feelings, but I'd rather not do it with ribbon, glitter, bows and the words "I cherish your loving heart."

Peace.