The Complete Idiot's Guide to Using an Oven

Ovens are commonly used in all households across the world. They bake cookies, melt cheese on nachos, and heat up the frozen dish of your choice. Here are some helpful, general guidelines on how to use an oven:

1. Set oven to appropriate temperature.
2. Once oven reaches said temperature, place food inside.
3. Bake food as long as instructed.
4. Take food out of oven.*

*Note that this step can often go arye. Avoid letting the oven door retract against the inside of your forearm, as this will most certainly result in a large burn prone to yellow-toned blisters and grayish-red sores and an inconvenient trip to your family practitioner at 11:10 during the work day

FML

I can't access fmylife.com from work... but if I could, this is what I would post:

"Today I tried to return light bulbs at Bartell's with a Walgreens receipt. FML."

Three things:

1.) Correct. I bought light bulbs at Walgreens on Wednesday night. And then I tried to return them at Bartell's today.

2.) No. I genuinely did not realize what I was doing.

3.) You might ask, "But why return light bulbs, Meguire? Why not just keep them around..." And I would answer you by saying that I bought the "daylight" bulbs instead of the "soft white" bulbs - meaning my apartment lit up like a BMW halogen headlight.

Why don't we go ahead and use this example to theme my entire week.

Tonight, I will drink to next week.

Bill O-So-Wrong

A little light that shines for me in during my bogged-down Wednesday afternoon: Bill O'Reilly proven wrong.

Thanks NPR.

Seattle Dog Examiner?

BRIDGER THE YELLOW LAB



Named for: Bridger Mountains in Montana

Known for: Using my paws like human hands

Wags: Sailing, fishing, skinned tennis balls, chuck-it, cat food

Tail-tucks: Tummy aches from cat food

Last Known Offense: Stealing food from Wrigley, my huge chocolate lab friend. Wrigley usually nibbles at his food, so he has it available to him all day. And I usually inhale my food, so when it's left out, I can't help but eat it. Sorry, Wrigley.


So I'm thinking of applying to be the "Seattle Dogs Examiner." I heard about the opportunity through my friend Sarah, author of One Rainy Day and now Seattle Street Style. I thought I'd try a test post on my own blog before taking it to the Examiner. Still thinking about it... anyone who knows me knows I stop and talk to any dog I pass. We'll see...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Palin and Prejean On Next GOP Ticket

Washington DC - Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean announce their plans for a President/Vice President partnership on the 2012 GOP ticket. Rush Limbaugh, Ted Haggard, and Anne Coulter are rumored to be financing their efforts.

Both Palin and Prejean were featured on separate segments on The Today Show Friday morning. Palin spoke eloquently about the recent David Letterman debacle, while Prejean defended her position on gay marriage and discredited the alleged events leading up to her loosing the Miss California crown.

At the beginning of The Today Show this morning, Matt Lauer announced a breaking news item: Palin and Prejean appeared split screen and announced in uniform voices and smiles - "We are the future of the republican party!"

Both women featured wardrobes provided by Saks Fifth Avenue.

Political analysts predict that the Palin/Prejean team would do well in Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Georgia, the Carolinas, Virgina, Texas and other states that do not teach evolution in public schools or provide birth control to unmarried women.

"Mmmmare you kidding?" says Rush Limbaugh. "Anyone who can call themselves Christian has to vote for these mmmmmmwomen. And they aren't mmmmbad to look at either!"

When confronted outside of a Starbucks in Los Angeles, Perez Hilton lifted his Gucci sunglasses and yelled, "Someone needs to put a muzzle on those bitches!"

"We're not worried," said Jon Stewart, speaking on behalf of democrats. "The gays, pregnant teenagers, Jews, and individuals with common sense outnumber the extreme evangelicals and plumbers."

President Barack Obama plans to hold a press conference later this afternoon to weigh in on the Palin/Prejean ballot. He released this statement this morning: "Look. These are tough times. But the country by and large knows that Alaskans and Californians aren't real Americans. We're also working on a government-sanctioned rebranding of the Christian religion. Central intelligence tells us that God is finally considering having a second son -- one who's name hasn't been tarnished by ignorance and intolerance."

Greetings from Photo Enforcement

I received two notable emails today. The first was from one of my sisters, reminding me that I haven't blogged in six weeks and that in blog world, I might as well be dead.

The second email was from my father. If you know my father, you will understand why this is so funny. If you don't know my father, you should probably find it funny anyway.

Note: My dad "owns" my car (the Cougar) and therefore it is registered under his name and all car-related mail goes to my parent's house.


Subject: Greetings from Photo Enforcement

I just got a little love package from Seattle addressed to me!

It shows a picture of the Cougar going through a stop light at 15th & 80th.

They would like a donation of $ 125.00 sent to them by 6/20.

WOULD THIS BE YOU?


Something tells me he was asking a rhetorical question?